THE TRACK LOAN

            Don Destitute, President and General Manager of Paupers Park, announced today that he will seek governmental assistance to solve the financially beleaguered tracks difficulties.

            “It seems to me,” Destitute told a hastily assembled press conference consisting of this reporter and the janitor, “that horse racing, with its colonial heritage, is far more deserving of some sort of financial subsidy than some fiscally incompetent automobile company.  Besides, if it wasn’t for horses, Detroit wouldn’t exist in the first place.  I mean, do you think the pioneers got there in the front seat of a Monaco?”

            Intrigued by Mr. Destitute’s attitude, I couldn’t help but hear a subsequent telephone conversation while I was in a small waiting room outside of his office, which conveniently had an extension telephone.

            “Good afternoon,” I overheard a secretary answer.  “Mr. Miller’s office.  Go K-Car and Redskins.  May I Help you?”

            “Yes, this is Dan Destitute, President and General Manager of Paupers Park racetrack, and I’d like to speak to Mr. Miller about a government loan.”

            “I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Miller is out of the office.  However, perhaps I can help you, since I’m authorized to grant loans up to $100 million.  Are you a corporation or a small business?”

            “A corporation, I guess.  I can’t think of any small businesses that handle a million dollars a day.”

            “A million dollars a day?  And you want a loan?  May I ask just what it is you do with all that money?”

            “Well, most of it goes back to our investors.  After that there’s taxes, salaries, purses for the horsemen, all kinds of expenses.  When you add it all up, there’s not much left to build new barns or improve the Clubhouse.”

            “Yes, I can see that you have a problem.  Just how much did you want?”

            “Well, I’d like at least two new fireproof barns, have the grandstand sprinklerized, and set up a separate dressing room for the female jockeys who currently have to change in my executive washroom.  I’d say around $250,000 would cover it.”

            “Mr. Destitute, this is not the office of the Small Business Administration.  If you wish us to review your situation, the minimum request would have to be $50 million.  Is that what you’d like, or should I have you transferred?”

            “Well, I guess $50 million would be alright…”

            “Fine, fine.  Now what would you specifically describe as the reason for your request for a loan.  Our best categories are Fiscal Incompetency and Outright Bankruptcy.  Though in your case, considered those women in your washroom, I might suggest our Improvements To Avoid Sexual Harassment Program.”

            “Whatever you think is best is fine with me.”

            “On second thought, the ones I mentioned are already over budget.  How about if I mark you down as Corporate Welfare, Grade II?  Still a little room there.”

            “I suppose that’s okay.”

            “Good.  Now, under the Corporate Welfare Program we have several interesting methods of recompense.  If you can assure us that your firm will still be in business in the year 2121 AD, then you can utilize our Dollar Down, Dollar A Week plan, which is interest free.  If you feel that you can’t make that guarantee, don’t worry about it, your account would automatically be transferred to Outright Bankruptcy, in which case you would have to give us back thirty cents on the dollar, unless you proved it would be an inconvenience to pay it back at all.  How does that sound?”

            “Well, frankly, I’d prefer to settle the matter as soon as possible.”

            “Hmm.  That could cause some problems.”

            “Problems?”

            “Nothing insurmountable, I assure you.  It’s just that I’d have to check with our Loan Guarantee Board to make sure they have the facilities to handle such a request, that’s all.

            “Now then, would you like to reimburse us in the form of non-cumulative preferred stock, defer your executive salaries into an option demand account, ask your employees not to draw a check for the next two hundred years, or simply write it off on your quarterly balance sheet?”

            “To be perfectly honest, I expected to pay you back the money.”

            “You mean cash?”

            “That’s right.”

            “Mr. Destitute, it is now obvious to me that you have absolutely no conception of either the purpose or the function of the government and its agencies, and I’m seriously considering giving your name to the FBI for an investigation into your apparently radical background.  If you want a simple loan, then I suggest you call the girl at Pacific Plan instead of wasting our time.”

            “You mean you won’t give me a loan?”

            “Certainly not, what do you think this is, a profit making organization?”

            “But if you don’t give me the loan we’ll probably lose more fans.  If that happens, we’ll lose more money.  And if we lose more money the horsemen will go someplace else and the unions will all go on strike when we tell them we can’t afford to pay them triple time for coffee breaks.  Isn’t there something you can do?”

            “Short of suggesting that you get rid of the horses and buy a fleet of K-Cars, there’s not much I can do at the moment.

            “However, if you manage to go totally bankrupt, and are able to prove Fiscal Incompetency, Gross Mismanagement and Flagrant Squandering, then we might be able to help you.”

            “You mean I have to go broke before the government will help me?”

            “Of course, Mr. Destitute.  What do you think the free enterprise system is all about, anyway?”