The Telephone Tout

            According to an Associated Press release, a telephone outfit that advertises its services in ten Southern states, called Dialup, had a bit of a mix-up just before Christmas.

            What Dialup does is store various programmed messages in a computer, and in calling the number for whatever message you have seen advertised the computer will dutifully put it on the line for you.

            One of their programs was designed for the little kiddies who wanted to hear a few Ho, ho, ho’s from Santa Claus just before he left the North Pole en route to their chimneys.  I don’t know what was on that particular tape, but I can imagine it was probably something like:

            “Hi there, this is Santa Claus.  As you can imagine, things are very busy here at the North Pole right now, but old Santa knows what you want for Christmas and all the elves are trying to make sure you won’t be disappointed.  But even if we can’t get exactly what you wanted, Santa wants you to know we’re trying our best.  Right now I have to go out into the cold and feed the reindeer.  Ho, ho, ho and Merry Christmas.”

            Well, most of us have some awareness of the fallibility of computers, and for about three hours what the kids calling good old Santa actually got was a sports betting line service giving odds on National Basketball Association games.  Y’know, instead of hearing about Rudolph, they got the latest spread on the Pacers-Knicks game.

            What was even more interesting is that it took those three hours before a parent called in to complain, which leads me to believe the kids might have been more interested in that than we think.  Probably it was only brought to Dialup’s attention because some kid asked his Dad for ten bucks to bet on the Nets plus six points and, when questioned about it, mentioned that he’d gotten the scoop from Santa Claus.

            What, you may ask, does this have to do with racing?  A lot, when you think about it.  After all, aren’t we trying to attract the youthful audience in the face of all these surveys that tell us the average race-goer is either over fifty or else shows up on a life support system?  If the kids calling Santa Claus are so interested in NBA point spreads that it takes three hours for a parent to find out, wouldn’t they be even more interested in the odds on the sixth at Pimlico?

            Now I doubt that any of our race tracks looking for new promotional ideas would take advantage of the innocence of youth by intentionally representing themselves as Santa Claus.  Well, at least most of them.

            But there’s another area of interest that might consider this to be a viable new marketing tool to reach an untapped market, and that’s the tout services.  Of course, one must realize that the kids would be too young to bet, but an older sibling or even an interested parent could circumvent this restriction.  I mean, if your ten-year-old kid tells you Mortal Lock is just that in the third and you play the horses, are you going to turn the service in?  Certainly not if the horse wins.

            We can only hope, though, that the tout services don’t realize this potential appeal that could be intertwined with mythical characters, because it could easily be put on a call-in tape and advertised in magazines such as Boys Life and Jack and Jill to appeal to youth a bit younger and in a different way than we would prefer.

            The Christmas aspect, of course, would be ideal for such an unscrupulous approach.

            “Hi there, young caller, this is Santa Claus.  Now I bet you think I’m talking to you from the North Pole, but actually I’m in New York.  It’s just as cold, of course, but I wanted to be where the action is.  You see, old Santa needs to hit some Exactas to pay for that present you want, plus I’m a little short on reindeer feed.

            “Now I know you’re hoping to get the things on your list, but until my 8-9 (that’s eight reindeer plus Rudolph) combination hits, I can’t be sure.  But there’s a way for you to be sure, and that’s to come on out to Aqueduct yourself and play the Daily Double.  It only costs $2, and surely your Mommy won’t miss two dollars from her purse.

            “Cash that in and you’ll be on your way to winning all kinds of money for things like bicycles, doll houses and stock in Mattel (it’s swell).  So take it from Santa Claus, a day at the races will be educational (think of the horses as de-antlered reindeer), it’ll help you with your math when your teacher asks you to calculate the payoff on 4.30-to-1odds, and you’ll feel a special thrill in winning some money for whatever it is Santa can’t bring you.  Plus, kiddies, if you call a toll free number I’m about to give you, you’ll reach Santa’s Seminar on Super Selections for today’s races, and you can take advantage of this wonderful service just by giving the nice elf who answers your parent’s Visa card number.

            “So come on out to the races and tell the girl at the admission booth that Santa sent you.  If that doesn’t work, climb over the fence, just like I do, just don’t miss a thrilling moment of racing action.

            “Oh yeah.  Ho, ho, ho.”

            But Christmas isn’t the only time of the year they can take advantage of this promotional tool.  Why not Easter?

            “Hi, kids, this is the Easter Bunny.  Y’know, hippity hoppity down the bunny trail.  And let me tell you, you’ll be hippity hopping yourselves when you subscribe to the Big B’s Boxcar Bonus.

            “I suppose some of you have called to find out how many eggs I’ll be hiding around your house this year.  Well, to tell you the truth, I’m putting all my eggs into one basket this year and going out to Hollywood Park, and I think you should too.

            “Why?  Because the Easter Bunny is going to make you rich, that’s why.  You can buy all the eggs you want after betting my selections.

            “Now I suppose you have seen ads from other people who guarantee winners but the truth is that, more often than not, they simply lay eggs.  You certainly don’t want a raw deal like that, right?  Of course not.  But since I am the Original, Genuine and Honest To Goodness Real Easter Bunny, who is by nature unable to lay eggs, you’re going to win big with my selections.

            “Now, if you’ll just give me your parent’s MasterCard number when you hear the beep at the end of this message, I’ll give you four choice selections today at Hollypark.  I’ll analyze the rabbits in those races, that being my best area of expertise, and tell you who are the tortoises and who are the hares.  That’s a little Easter Bunny humor there, kids.

            “Now why should you spend your time crawling around in the bushes looking for eggs painted with all kinds of harmful chemicals that probably should be marked ‘Hazardous To Your Health’. Possibly risking a case of poison oak in the process, when you could be cavorting in the infield playground at Hollywood Park and making money at the same time?  Plus every Sunday (Easter is still on Sunday, subject to Congressional action) we’ll have a Pick Six Special for you kids who want to ‘multiply’ your investments.  So don’t be hard boiled, let your friendly Easter Bunny lead you down the Hippity Hoppity Trail.”

            And for year-round effect, what kid doesn’t believe in the Tooth Fairy?

            “Thank you for calling the Tooth Fairy, this is she or he, depending upon your interpretation.

            “Anyway, you know how when you lose a tooth you always find some money under your pillow the next morning, don’t you?  Now what’s the going rate these days, maybe a buck?  So what do you do with a lousy dollar?  No bank in the country will open a savings account for that amount, you put it in a piggybank and someone’s liable to steal it, or maybe you parlay it by buying a couple of candy bars and risk losing more teeth.  Which is not a bad idea, but you’ve only got 32 of them, whereas Churchill Downs has nine or ten races a day, five days a week, for months. 

            “Now, of course, you ask, what good is a dollar at Churchill Downs?  To be honest, not much, so first you’ve got to get a raise.  Try clipping a note to your pillow before going to sleep that says ‘Dear T.F.:  All my friends are getting five bucks a tooth these days’, that ought to get some response.

            “Now, once you’ve got the five bucks, you simply give it back to me, the Tooth Fairy, and I’ll get you some picks that will put the bite on thousands of idiotic adults who don’t know a molar from a bicuspid.

            “Now, I recognize that you kids have heard a lot of claims from others in this business, such as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Mike Warren.  But, let’s face it, if you can’t trust the old Tooth Fairy, who is available everyday of the year, who can you trust?

            “So send in your five bucks as soon as you get it and we’ll get you started with our Dental Double picks for a week of exciting racing action.  And, if by some remote chance our selections don’t produce a profit, the Tooth Fairy personally promises a rebate in the form of a pair of pliers valued at five dollars, which you can use to pull some more teeth.

            “Plus, we’re so sure of our offer, we guarantee that if you’re not completely happy by the end of the meet, we’ll give you a free jar of candy.”

            Obviously, to avoid the appeal of such promotions, there must be a concentrated effort on our part to promote the beauty of the horse to our youth to attract them to the track.  My hypothetical situations of unscrupulous characters finding a new way to feed on greed by taking advantage of unsuspecting victims met with the humorous response it was intended to be when I mentioned it to a friend.

            “Ho, ho, ho,” he said.