THE NAME GAME

            You probably weren’t aware of it, but whoever approves the horse name applications at The Jockey Club is unwittingly contributing to the moral degeneration of our society.

            That point was made clear in a letter to the editor that appeared a few years back in the Louisville Courier-Journal from Mrs. William M. Cloyd of Louisville, and was subsequently reprinted in the National Turf Writers Association newsletter under Mike Barry’s clever lead, “All The Nuts Ain’t In Brazil Dept.”

            Mike obviously didn’t grasp the seriousness of the matter, which I’m sure you will appreciate in reading Mrs. Cloyd’s letter.

            “In the long run,” she wrote, “all I have to say for the 1985 Kentucky Derby is that it was sacrilegious and blasphemous by giving horses such names as Eternal Prince, Chief’s Crown and Proud Truth.

            “I’m wondering how many Christians were offended by this act or how many did not even give it one thought?  As for me and my house, we thought it most debasing, by inference, to our Savior.

            “If this casual naming of horses has any reflection upon our day and time, then we have come a long way baby, in the wrong direction, on the racetrack of life.”

            It’s just a shame that Mrs. Cloyd didn’t bring this to our attention earlier, then we wouldn’t have horses with names like Majestic Prince.  O, for that matter, Herod.  And I’m sure she would have organized a protest march back in 1979 when a born again maiden named Great Redeemer finished so far up the track that he nearly ran over some photographers who went out on the track thinking the race was over.

            So it’s obvious that this irresponsible naming of our horses offers yet another opportunity for our critics to damn the sport (excuse the language, Mrs. Cloyd), and it could easily cross over into areas far beyond religious objections.  So it’s entirely possible we can expect to see letters to the editors of our nation’s newspapers from other groups.

            Such as:

            “As the Second Assistant Teller at the Stash Your Cash Savings and Loan office in downtown Poughkeepsie, I must violently protest the naming of a race horse who has recently attracted a great deal of media attention.  I refer, of course, to Spend A Buck, whose very name encourages the public to become spendthrifts and wastrels instead of saving for a rainy day as our forefathers tried to teach us.  No wonder the savings and loan industry is in trouble and banks are collapsing, it’s because you are promoting blatant spending.  In fact, this horse could ultimately be responsible for wrecking our entire economy.  I strongly urge that this horse’s name be changed to something less likely to cause financial ruin, such as Starve and Save, or Passbooks Are Fun, something conservative like that.  And if Mr. Diaz needs to borrow the money to pay for the name change, I’ll be glad to lend it to him at 15% interest.”

            “On behalf of the legal profession, of which I am a member, I strongly object to a horse named Skip Trial.  It suggests a total disregard and contempt for the judicial system that has made this nation what it is today.  By encouraging people to skip trials you place in jeopardy the livelihood of every judge and attorney extant.  It is obvious that whoever named this horse would prefer a police state and probably has communistic connections.  And the less said about the name of the horse’s sire, the better.  Bailjumper, indeed.  I’ll bet you anarchists have secret meetings for this sole purpose of creating names to incite the public to undermine or sacred judicial system.  Whatever happened to the good names, like Law Talk, Advocator and Judger?”

            “Talk about militaristic war mongers, you people in racing take the cake.  How else can you justify coming up with names for horses that subconsciously stir thoughts of physical combat, such as Tank’s Prospect, Fight Over, Explosive Wagon and Destroyer.  Not to mention Man o’ War, Armed, Assault and War Admiral.  Such subliminal impact on our youth can only trigger World War III.  Come to think of it, Trigger isn’t too subtle either, though I find it hard to believe that Roy Rogers would be part of such a conspiracy.

            “Additionally, names like Twist The Axe and Needles obviously reveal your latent sadistic tendencies.  I’ll bet you all have a copy of The History of Torture in your bedrooms and tear wings off of butterflies between races.  The only fortunate aspect of this is that none of you have yet managed to infiltrate your way into the upper echelons of our government.  I dread to think what would happen if one of you ever got near the ‘button’.”

            "As a representative of the National Save Whatever Animal Needs Saving As Long As Someone Will Donate Association, I must lodge our objections to the naming of some of your horses.  Bear Hunt is a good example, this connotates that people in racing like to go out and shoot bears.  Now bears are an endangered species as it is, and when was the last time an eight foot Kodiak mauled you at Fifth and Main?  Actually, they’re quite lovable, yet some nut with a horse is suggesting that we hunt them down.  The inference is quite clear. 

 “Fighting Fox isn’t much better, it would seem to convey the impression that foxes fight a lot, which certainly isn’t the case.  Actually, they’re quite lovable, and are perfectly content once they get hold of your pet rooster, yet such a name infers a ferocity that will probably cause some people to want to shoot them.

“Now maybe you didn’t give too much thought to a name like Raja’s Shark, but consider the intimation of ownership.  The next thing you know people will want to capture their own sharks and take them home to put in their swimming pools as pets.  While sharks are actually quite lovable this would disturb their natural state, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be responsible for the extinction of the Great White.

“In short, naming your horses after other creatures of the wild often suggests actions that could upset the ecological balance.  In the future we would prefer to see names that suggest preferable alternatives, such as Love My Cobra (actually, they’re quite lovable), Kiss My Tarantula, and Save The Vultures.  In this manner you would be doing these lovable creatures a favor by promoting their merits instead of intimating destruction.  After all, you named a horse A Dragon Killer, and you sure don’t see any dragons around anymore.”

“I see where sexism is alive and thriving in the Sport of Kings, which is a sexist description in its own right.  A name like Coax Me Chad was bad enough, no telling how many young girls got into trouble following such advice.  And no wonder today’s youth is so interested in the astrological sign of a member of the opposite sex when they meet, it’s because you encourage them with horse names like Luv A Libra.

“Nor is this appeal to lascivious behavior tempered when you flaunt such names as On The Sly, Super Moment, Golden Act and Play Fellow.

“I suppose this is logical since you people seem to consider the act of love as a purely business matter, personally I strongly suspect you’re secretly fulfilling some hidden erotic fantasy every time you watch your horse’s mate.

“Nor is the concept of equality between the sexes aided any by such totalitarian names such as Mom’s Command or Papa’s All.  But even worse, is it necessary to additionally promote perversion?  I mean, what else could motivate such names as Degenerate Jon, Steve’s Friend, and Dike?  There are places for sex maniacs like you, and I’m sure you’ll get just what you deserve once the public realizes the extent of your subtly pornographic inferences.”

Well, you can see the trouble we’re going to be in as these and other special interest groups come to realize, like Mrs. Cloyd, the dangers our horse names represent.  My local church is certainly concerned with this depravity that seems to be running rampant in our industry, it’s a matter of increasing discussion at the Thursday Night Anti-Gambling Seminar that is regularly held just before the Bingo games.

So the next time you’re naming a new foal, think of the damage you might be doing to all of us.  Try using your Social Security number instead. 

Like an old Stan Freberg skit, where a girl asks if a character named Pedro is Mexican, to which Pedro replies:  “No, senorita.  Swiss.  Thees way we don’t offend nobody.”