THE ADVICE COLUMN

            Advice columns have been big business for a number of years, and there seems to be no end in sight.  Yet racing seems to be largely ignored, unless touting horses is considered advice, in which case it is oversaturated.

            Now racing does have a question and answer column, Joe Hirsch does that in the Daily Racing Form on his off days.  But that tends to be a bit mundane, plus I really think it’s a form of Jeopardy!, the television quiz show.  I know I’ve often found some great answers for questions, all I needed was a forum wherein people were supposedly asking me those questions.

            For real advice, the world has those twin sisters, Ann Landers and Abigail van Buren.  No one could possibly make up some of their letters, and a casual reading will tell you just why advice column writing is so much in demand: a lot of people out there need help.

            But so far none of the journalists in racing seemed to have seized the golden opportunity that exists.  That’s really kind of a shame, a few of them already act like they know everything, the least they could do is pass on their accumulated wisdom to us lesser mortals.  But, alas, no such column exists for racing people, so where’s a psychotic to turn?

            Most racing publications, of course, might look down their noses at such an attempt to assist a struggling humanity, but fortunately this magazine is blessed with a foresighted publisher, sympathetic to my desire to break ground in this virginal field.  And we all know how rare virginity is.

            With simple word of mouth about this project, I was deluged with mail, and have selected the most vital and pressing letters for a reply in these pages.  Call it the Dear Abby For Horse People, or simply a Godsend, we want you to know that we care and we’re here to help.  Should you have some urgent or unsolved problem, don’t hesitate to send them to the publisher of this magazine.

            We may not be able to answer you, but we’ll all have a good laugh reading about it.

            Two years ago I read an article you wrote in which you implied that Del Mar Marketing and Media Director Dan Smith was a look-alike for Victor Mature.  Now that you have presumably had more time to think about this, do you still contend that Smith looks like Victor Mature?

            The response I received about that observation was mixed, some readers agreed with me and commented on my uncanny powers of observation.  Others, however, suggested that I had been down at the Del Mar beach drinking sea water.

            Since there seems to be a division of opinion on this point, I’ll recant my earlier observation and deny having said any such thing, even if it was in print, because I can recant with the best of them.

            So I will say here that Dan Smith does not look like Victor Mature.  However, Victor Mature looks one helluva lot like Dan Smith.

            I am thinking of applying for a job as a parking lot attendant at a track, but have no experience.  Would a correspondence course help?

            We have nothing against correspondence courses, but unless you simply can’t drive it would most likely represent a waste of money.  We suggest instead you read up on the subject through a number of excellent books that are readily available.  For historical perspective we highly recommend The Greatest Dents of 1979 as well as An Illustrated History of Totaled Edsels.”

            For more contemporary reading matter you might consider Where The Rubber Meets The Road; Doubling Your Income With A Transmission Repair Shop; Make Big Money Repairing Brakes And How To Get The Business; and Compact Parking: The New Squeeze Play.

            Incidentally, we also feel that being a parking lot attendant will often lead you into more exciting racetrack careers, as it has done for others, such as restroom attendant, program seller and rock picker-upper.

            I am a successful jockey with a six figure bank account.  I’m good looking, drive a Jaguar, and the guys in the shower room always call me ‘Horse’.  I lead a reasonably active social life, and am intelligent enough to enjoy good conversation.  But I seem to constantly attract groupies who I’m sure only want to do things with my body.  How do I handle this?

            You should redirect their interests by telling them what magnificent sex symbols turf writers are.  Explain to them that turf writers can introduce them to pretty horsies, movie stars, and owners with more bucks than you’ll ever see.  Let them know that turf writers can get passes, free food and lots of free booze, which they will readily lavish on members of the opposite gender for the most modest of physical pleasures.  “Do with me what you will” has always been their motto.

            Once you’ve explained to them what vibrant sex symbols turf writers really are, we’ll gladly step in and take your problems off your hands.  You should also be warned that the biggest problem with groupies is how to get rid of them after they’ve succeeded.  Trust me, turf writers are excellent problem solvers, there’s not a one of them that wouldn’t gladly take that responsibility off your hands so you can fully concentrate on your important occupation.

            I am a track veterinarian, and I often have difficulty communicating to trainers, not to mention members of the press, the various physical ailments and the appropriate remedies for equine problems.  Sometimes I feel my education has been wasted by not being able to get across to these people the things I learned in school.  Any suggestions?

            We spoke with one trainer who sees you on a regular basis, and he pointed out that you continue to use all of the 28 letter words you learned in veterinary school, and he can’t understand a damn thing you say.

            You must recognize that some people grew up with horses in a grass roots environment and may not have had time to acquire their post-graduate degrees, so you must learn to boil down what to them are confusing and unintelligible terms into a more basic layman’s language.  If you can succeed in talking more on their level, I’m sure they’d have a much greater understanding and appreciation.

            To insure your messages get across, no matter what education level you may be dealing with, we suggest you start off with some fairly rudimentary terms in your medical diagnosis, such as “pregnant”, “legs busted all to hell”, and ”dead”.

            I am a trainer with a large public stable.  Often my clients will visit the backstretch and bring along their small children to “see the pretty horsies”.  Although the local stable rules specify that children are not permitted on the backstretch, everyone seems to ignore the rule.  If I complain, my owners will think I hate children, which is true, but then they’d go find another trainer.  Meanwhile, these brats run up and down my shedrow.  Last week one of them stepped on the stable cat, while another nearly put out the eye of one of my horses with a Popsicle stick.  How do I seem like a good guy and still get rid of the kids?

            This is a difficult problem that I’m sure many trainers encounter.  We think preventive measures may best be obtained by encouraging the child’s actions, much in the manner of sticking the little monster’s fingers on a lit match to prove to them it’s hot.  We suggest you first consult with your insurance agent and then, when the parents aren’t paying attention, satisfy their curiosity.

            If they insist on bothering horses on the walking ring, encourage them to walk directly behind the horses and pull their tails as hard as they can.  Those that want to pester the horses that are in their stalls, give them a smile and a pat on the head and tell them something soothing, like “That’s right, little girl, just go right on in and pet the nice horsie.  Tornado likes to be petted.  Here, let me close the door so you two can be alone.”

            Regardless of how badly mangled the child may be, you can usually convince the parents that it wasn’t your fault.  Show as much grief as you can muster, they’ll probably feel sorry for your hurt and leave you alone for months.

            I am an unemployed Hollywood Goose Girl.  I used to row the boat in the infield lake there and feed the geeses.  Or maybe that should be goosies, I always did get that kind of mixed up.  Anyway, I haven’t found much work since Marge got rid of us goosie girls.  I keep looking for infield work, could you tell me if that big sand castle is still in the Del Mar infield?  Maybe I could fetch the loose sand grains on windy days or something.  I’m told I look like Marilyn Monroe, if that’s any help.

            The Del Mar sand castle was, unfortunately, a temporary project.  Some have suggested that it was meant to be permanent, but during the off-season a team of maintenance workers from Belmont Park sent trucks in and stole every grain.

            As you have obviously discovered, there is a limited market for infield employment, and we suspect you’re a little too old by now to audition for Miss Del Mar High.

            You might carefully consider the earlier answer we gave that dumb jockey and seek out some turf writers, or you might simply run down to the beach in your best bikini and simply lie around.  A lot of racetrackers go there, and someone is bound to pick up on your obvious talents.

            You’ll probably think this is a silly question, but with half an hour between races that last all afternoon, what does the track bugler do when he’s not bugling?

            No question is too silly if it provides the racing fan with information.

            We asked one track bugler how he occupied his time, he said that he had an extensive collection of “Tonight” show videotapes and spent all his time studying Doc Severinson’s trumpet technique.  His hope was that a talent scout would be in the stands one day and offer him a contract with a rock band.

            Another noted that he drank a lot of beer on the theory that it was good for his lips to keep them moist between bugles.  He did allow that he found it difficult to stand up for the last few races, but simply attributed that to his 35 years of bugling.  “In this business,” he said, “the legs are the first to go.”

            I am interested in getting into track management.  I really don’t know anything about the business side of racing, but I often see track executives at the tracks I stoop and tout at having sumptuous free lunches in the Turf Club.  I’m a very good eater and would compliment the chef every day if I could get such an opportunity.  What would you suggest?

            The ideal track executive would be someone with a rapport with the horsemen, fans, riders, unions and the media.  He would be a hands-on manager with a knowledge of everything from budgets to tilling, yet able to effectively delegate authority.  Most everyone agrees that such a person is difficult to find, and God isn’t available.

            We assume you, however, have more of a figurehead position in mind, and thus would not be interested in a long-term backstretch education or courses in finance and management that could assist someone willing to assume responsibilities.

            Our best suggestion in your case would be to carefully get to know the members of the existing management team at whatever track you are interested in.  Try and work your way into their social structure away from the track, and get into their good graces as much as possible.  Then decide which one of them has the prettiest daughter and marry her.  With that foundation it has been proven that you’ll be running the track in no time.   

            I am trying to locate a horse named Skblfrtz.  As far as I can tell he raced quite a bit in the Midwest at the smaller tracks, usually for a $500 claiming price, although I think he might have won the Pushmataha County Fair Bleeders’ Cup, and possibly the Coshocton Agricultural District Livestock Exposition and Cumquat Festival Purse later in his career.  I am very anxious to find out what happened to him.  Can you tell me anything about him?

            Not a damn thing.

            I recognize that trainers require a great deal of help on the backstretch in the form of grooms and exercise riders.  I often wonder, when I see a trainer lauded for his work, just how much of the accomplishment is really the result of his delegating all the work to others who receive no credit.

            As with any business executive, trainers vary in the degree of their reliance on subordinates.  A few trainers are extremely hands-on in their approach, which sometimes leads to the erroneous impression that they know what they’re doing.  Other hands-on types simply don’t want anyone else to know about whatever it is they’re doing with or to the horse.

            Some, especially in California, encounter a severe linguistic barrier with their help, and this communications gap causes many of them to perform simple tasks themselves on the theory that it beats waving their arms like a chicken when they discover that some clown has turned the star of the stable loose without a halter.

            But the majority try and hire competent help that are able to carry out the trainers’ more complex instructions, such as “Breeze him”, “Cool him out”, and “Feed him”.

            While such workers receive little public notoriety, their efforts are rewarded by the respect of their peers on the backstretch, and some often attract the attention of outsiders such as sportswriters, immigration officials, and agents for the federal drug enforcement agency.

            I’ve often heard that the stewards are greatly feared because they apparently have been granted God-like powers, and can do anything they want to or for anybody.  Doesn’t this offer a dangerous situation that invites abuse, and doesn’t it give some of them Napoleonic complexes?

            Most stewards have worked long and hard in the racing industry to achieve their exalted positions and often bend over backwards to avoid being viewed as tyrannical.  As with any panel of judges they carefully weight the consequences of their decisions, and are ultimately responsible to the state racing board.  This group of political appointees, usually known for their consistent incompetence, often make the truly difficult decisions, such as exposing trainers prematurely for the dope fiends they know them to be.

            We asked one steward, Headley Hardnose, about the perception of the stewards as omnipotent beings, and he replied that “we in the stewards stand are people just like everybody else.  This business about a Napoleonic complex is a myth, and if I ever catch the trouble maker who started such a rumor I’ll have him drawn and quartered at sunrise.”

            I was reading an article by Mike Marten recently about the Uniform Rules of Racing, the point being that there didn’t seem to be any.  Cited as varying in different areas are rules covering “apprentice allowances, workouts, licensing, totalizator standards, suspensions, patrol judges, security, scratches, purse distribution, appeals, medication, testing procedures, betting pools, even pari-mutuel payoffs”.

            I am a trainer who is thinking of moving to California.  Where I come from I am allowed to keep my pet rooster on the backstretch.  In view of the confusion about rules in different states, can you tell me if this is allowable in California?

            We checked the rules in the condition books from several California tracks to ascertain what the backstretch policy is regarding stable pets.  According to the book from a track in Northern California, under the heading “Cats”, they are allowed in the stable area if they are registered, desexed, vaccinated, and fed inside.  No other pets are mentioned.

            A condition book from a Southern California track, under the heading “Dogs”, allows that they are permitted as long as they are registered and not allowed to run loose.  No mention is made about desexing or vaccinating dogs, nor is there any provision regarding cats.

            Finally, in checking a condition book from a Fair track, it simply states that “No dogs are allowed in the stable area or fairgrounds”, but says nothing about other animals.

            Since roosters do not seem to be covered in any of these books, we have no idea what the guideline might be at the various California tracks, who don’t even have a uniform rule regarding dogs and cats.

            It might be simplest of you have a nice Sunday chicken dinner before making your move.  Should you insist on having a pet after you arrive, obviously you should avoid the Fair tracks.  If you are planning on going to Southern California, get a dog, or if Northern California is your destination, then you should get a cat.

            We hope this answers your question in a uniform manner.

            All my life I’ve wanted to be a rich horse owner, so I finally decided to buy a farm and breed my own horses so lots of Japanese and Saudis and such will shower me with money.  I met a guy who said he’d help me get started by selling me some very expensive geldings.  I really don’t care what color the horses I start with are, but do you think geldings would be the best choice?

            Some of the most successful runners in history have been geldings, look what John Henry, Forego, Kelso and Native Diver accomplished.  So we think very highly of geldings.

            It is, however, highly unusual to find geldings at any breeding farm, we suspect because it is difficult to find good ones that can pass on their abilities.

            Rather than take a chance with some stranger, we would rather see you in more capable hands in starting this new venture.  Please drop us another letter, this time including your address, phone number, and how much money you are willing to spend.  You can be sure we’ll give your situation our prompt and personal attention.

            I am studying to be an informant for the FBI to supplement my meager income as a muckraking journalist.  I was told that a racetrack would be an ideal training ground, so last year I snuck into Del Mar and nosed around the place.  But I was kind of disappointed.  Everyone seemed so relaxed and happy.  The fans seemed to be enjoying the atmosphere, the employees seemed nice, the trainers acted like they were on vacation.  And the general manager spent his mornings talking with people in the backstretch like a person who cared about the place and the people.  Some vice-president wanted to talk about his favorite two-year-old, and I didn’t find a single jockey in an opium den someplace.  Have I picked the wrong career?

            Unfortunately you have selected an overly crowded field and you picked on the wrong track in search of scandal.  It’s possible the immigration service might be able to use you, provided you passed Remedial Bush Hiding, other than that I think you should consider other career options.  Your choice, however, does suggest that you enjoy playing a role as a shady character with no morals, possibly you might look into some line of work similar to this, such as jockey agent.

            We wish you luck should you decide to pursue such an alternate career.

            Got a problem?  Send $5 and a SASE for a copy of my new booklet, “Therapy Is Writing Advice Columns Wherein You Find Out You’re Not Nearly As Screwed Up As Your Readers”.  It comes in a plain manila envelope that is suitable for framing.  Send an extra $5 and we’ll include photos of Victor Mature and Dan Smith and let you try and figure it out.