TELL IT LIKE IT IS, HOWARD

            No matter what your opinion of Howard Cosell might be, you have to admit that he generates interest and controversy every time he opens his mouth, which is often.

            His ‘tell it like it is’ approach definitely helped rejuvenate interest in boxing in this country, which at the time was a terminal patient at best.  And, of course, he institutionalized Monday Night Football.  Cosell could probably make a reading of the Manhattan phone book an exciting experience.

            It seems to me that racing is missing a good publicity bet by not signing up Humble Howard to broadcast some of its television presentations.  Even though you might contend that Cosell knows little about horse racing, you have to at least concede that the ratings would skyrocket.

            Imagine for a moment what it would be like if Howard Cosell covered the Kentucky Derby…

            “Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at Churchill Downs, which some people have the audacity to refer to as a racetrack, awaiting the 101^st running of the Kentucky Derby, a race which, in this reporters humble opinion, should have all the appeal of a mugging.

            “Twenty-three alleged Thoroughbreds are on the track, along with twenty-three lead ponies, any one of which could probably win this race if they were allowed to compete, while approximately 123,000 masochists, in varying degrees of sobriety and nudity, are temariously wagering millions of dollars on the outcome of a contest whose major fault is that it exists in the first place.

            “The favorite in this inexcusable exhibition, who this reporter saw only last week when he finished seventh at Caliente for $1,600, is advantageously outfitted with an unusual set of blinkers for this race, in that they cover the front of his eyes.

            “The lone West Coast contestant was vanned to the track for this ludicrous display of equine incompetence, and it is my humble opinion that the van left too soon, since it is dubious, at best, that he is capable of negotiating this distance without it.  His trainer, who I had breakfast with only this morning, confided in this reporter that a purchase by the prominent LePage family appears imminent.

            “In bringing the light of public scrutiny to the remainder of this field, one cannot help but get the feeling that either the American Veterinary Society or Johnson and Johnson should be sponsoring this broadcast.  This reporter hasn’t seen so many bandages since Boris Karloff filmed ‘The Mummy’.

            “This is not to say, of course, that this event is totally lacking in quality or merit.  Number five, for example, is an enormously muscular horse, no doubt acquiring this physical conditioning during a relatively brief career pulling a milk truck in Cross Creek, Ohio, while the number nine horse has enjoyed no small measure of success recently with the Ringling Brothers circus.

            “Later on, at the conclusion of this travesty of Thoroughbred racing, we’ll talk with some of the jockeys, one of whom you may remember from only a few short years back when he was one of the outstanding defensive linemen for the Green Bay Packers…”