Sam's Shoppe

            My good friend Sam called me the other day, which was somewhat of a surprise since I thought he was still in jail over the Kumquat Kwikway bookie operation.

            “I want you to come down and see the new store I just opened,” he told me.

            “Sam,” I began, envisioning something out of The Sting, “I thought you were going to get out of the illegal betting business.”

            “Hey,” he said, “trust me, this is strictly legit.  You come down and check it out, and if it’s not on the up and up I won’t even ask you for the fifty grand that I would otherwise offer as a limited partnership to only my closest friends.”

            He gave me an address and I dutifully drove over, pulling up in front of a small building that appeared to have formerly been a drugstore.  Large lettering in a plate glass window proclaimed this to be the home of ‘Sam’s Semen Shoppe’.  I walked in to find Sam behind a counter.  Surrounding him were walls of shelves filled with bottles that at first glance one might mistake for the vitamin section at a supermarket.

            I looked at Sam suspiciously.  “Okay, what kind of a scam is this?”

            “Hey, no scam.  Like I said on the phone, this is strictly legit.

            “Look,” he continued, “you been reading them articles about artificial insemination, right?”

            I nodded my head in agreement.

            “Now anybody in their right mind can see it’s the coming thing, if you’ll pardon the expression.  I mean, the quarter horse people do it, the standardbred people do it, it’s only a matter of time before the Thoroughbred people get around to it.”

            “So?”

            “So?  So what’s gonna happen when some March a guy with half a dozen broodmares decides he wants to breed them to stallions at half a dozen different farms?  I mean, even with artificial insemination, he’s gotta go to those half dozen places to pick up the sperm, I mean it ain’t like something you’d trust to the post office.

            “But just think of the convenience if he can do all his shopping in one store.  No long trips, no waiting in line, plus he can probably use his VISA card.”

            I studied a row of bottles behind Sam under a printed placard that read ‘Name Brands’.  The bottles had labels on them.  Sam, noticing my interest, handed me a couple of them.

            “See this?  ‘Spendthirft’s Seattle Slew, Grade 1’.  And check this one, ‘Secretariat, Homogenized, Bottled Exclusively By Claiborne Consolidated’.”

            “Homogenized?”

            “Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.  How about this one?  ‘Gainesway’s Guaranteed Generation Group’, comes in a mix ‘em and match ‘em three bottle kit.

            “But Sam,” I protested, “if artificial insemination is still unacceptable in the Thoroughbred community, how did you get all these?”

            “Well,” he coughed, “right now these bottles are empty.  But as soon as it does become acceptable, I’ll be way ahead of the competition, they’ll be calling me the Dr. Fager of the Semen Set.  Besides, I got a helluva deal from the guy that printed the labels, just look at the design on the Alydar bottle.”

            “I’m sure you think it’s a great idea, Sam, but how long do you expect to run this store before you have anything to sell?”

            “Oh, I’ve got lots of merchandise already in stock that that silly Jockey Club doesn’t know about, I only have to wait for the top of the line stuff you’ve been looking at.  For instance, see the next group of shelves marked ‘Private Label’?  Well, that’s for the less discriminating or budget conscious buyer.  Now here,” he said, handing me a bottle, “is what I expect to be one of my biggest sellers, it’s called ‘Two-Year-Old Non-Winners Other Than Maiden or Claiming’.  I think it’ll be twice as popular as ‘Allowance Winners Under A Mile’.

            “Now that third section,” he continued, “is the Generic Group.  Just like your local supermarket, you have three choices of quality.

            “Generics, obviously, are less specific than either Name Brands or Private Label, but I think they’ll prove popular with the smaller farms.  And notice, I have a complete range from ‘Roan’ to ‘Chestnut’ to ‘Grey’ to ‘Three White Stockings’.  Wasn’t too happy with that last one, but it got me a discount on the ‘Thoroughbred’ bottles.”

            “Thoroughbred?”

            “Yeah, the generic of the generic line.  Probably have to sell those at a discount, but it’s still a safer bet than having your mare foal a zebra like that guy in Louisville did a couple of months ago.

            “Now, if you’ll notice the shelves on the other wall, you’ll find just about any breed you want.  Quarter horse?  I can sell you a bottle of Three Bars for half the advertised price.  Like Arabians?  Wait till next week, I’m running a two-for-the-price-of-one special on Salon.  In the Morgan section I highly recommend either Long View Sundance or Wham Bam Command.  The latter had a 100% conception rate last year, and with a name like that I expect a large inventory to be arriving soon.  And if you happen to like standardbreds, better grab a couple of bottles of Meadow Skipper while I have them, I may have to send them back to make room for a new line of 57 varieties of Hanover that are due in soon.”

            “Well, Sam,” I allowed, “it’s certainly a, well…unique idea.  But do you really expect to make money on something like this?”

            “Oh, I admit I’m only paying the rent right now, but I get some decent off the street trade.  Just the other day a guy was in here, his wife had sent him out to do the shopping, he bought an entire case of mixed generics.  So that helps.  But what will really turn things around is when I can get the name brand Thoroughbreds in.  Plus there’s a potential cost savings when I learn how to cut some of the sperm.”

            “Cut?”

            “Sure, wouldn’t you pay a little less for slightly diluted Seattle Slew if your alternative was full strength Ya Ya Goo Goo?”

            “I suppose so.”

            “And once I establish a complete line, I can branch out into convenience packaging, like the big companies do.  Y’know, like if you want Spectacular Bid?  I plan to have him available in liquid, frozen or freeze-dried, and you can take your choice of plastic bottles or unbreakable tubes.  I mean, let’s face it.  If marketing like that works for shampoos and toothpaste, it should do wonders for Affirmed.”

            “Well, I suppose that makes sense.  Do you have any advertising plans?”

            “Oh, sure.  All the trade magazines, the Racing Form, the works.  I might even run some discount coupons like the supermarkets do.  How could you resist clipping out a coupon that said ‘$500 off of Lyphard in the new one ounce vial—redeem by December 31^st’?”

            “I have to admit it would be pretty difficult.”

            “So whaddya think, would you perchance like to get in on the ground floor of this incredible opportunity for a measly fifty grand?”

            “Naw, I don’t think so, Sam.  After all, you’re hedging a bet that the Thoroughbred people will go for artificial insemination.  If they don’t, well…”

            “Don’t worry, I’ve got a friend of mine working on another refinement called Instant Horse.”

            “Instant Horse?”

            “Sure, it’s a logical scientific development.  It’s a powder, which like comes in a small packet, like when you pick up a packet of sugar in a restaurant.  We thought we’d test it on a generic basis first.  Like you take the packet labeled ‘Roan’ and dump it into a large trough or bathtub full of water and presto, you have an instant roan foal.  We can’t guarantee the sex yet, but he’s working on that.  Do you realize the wear and tear that’ll save on the mare who doesn’t even have to conceive?  You could probably race her till she’s eight.”

            “Sam, I know you mean well, but aren’t these ideas a bit, well, bizarre?”

            “Perhaps,” he said, fondling an empty bottle marked ‘Northern Dancer 1985, Shake Well Before Inseminating’.  “But I predict that Sam’s Semen Shoppe is the wave of the future in Thoroughbreds.”

            “I’m sorry, Sam, but I can’t imagine the Thoroughbred people ever going along with it.”

            “How many people bought the Brooklyn Bridge?”

            “Well, er, uh…”

            “Bingo,” Sam said, handing me a brochure titled ‘Pocket Park’s Pills’.