Racing Gets A Czar

       In a surprise move, the White House recently announced an expansion of the cabinet to include the newly created position of Deputy Undersecretary, Chief Steward and Undisputed Czar of Thoroughbred Racing, also known as DUSCAUCofTR.

            Although it had been a well kept secret until now, this reporter was fortunate enough to obtain a partial transcript of the congressional confirmation hearing for the post between the committee chairman and the nominee, Mr. Frank Hader, a recently retired bartender and bank messenger.  The final part of that transcript follows.

            “Mr. Hader,” the chairman was saying, “we have listened to your character witnesses, and were particularly impressed by the glowing references provided by…

            “What were those names again, Mr. Assistant Chairman?”

            “Bennie The Book and Exacta Eddie, Mr. Chairman.”

            “Yes, of course, how could I forget?  Still, Mr. Hader, we would like you to tell this committee what you personally feel your primary qualifications for the position of DUCSAUCofTR might be.  In short, why are you here?

            “Well, Senator, as best as I can rightly tell, I’m here because my precinct carried the state in your last election campaign.”

            “Ahem, we can certainly appreciate that, Mr. Hader, but this committee needs to know something about your specific technical qualifications before it can grant a confirmation.  You know, background, proficiency within the industry, that sort of thing.  For example, what do you consider your major accomplishment in racing?”

            “Well, I suppose the fact that I’ve never bounced a check at a racetrack is probably the biggest.”

            “And you consider this an accomplishment?”

            “You bet.  It’s tough to beat those checks to the bank.  I mean, they got those computers and everything, makes it pretty tight.”

            “I see.  Tell me, Mr. Hader, according to the records, you spent some time as a steward at Questionable Downs two years ago, and then abruptly either quit or were fired, that’s somewhat vague.  Could you explain to this committee the circumstances surrounding your departure?”

            “Well, to tell you the truth, it was on account of a health problem.”

            “What sort of health problem?”

            “My seeing eye dog got run over by a tractor.”

            “Hmmm.  Yes, I can that would be a problem for a steward.  Could you tell us why the dog was on the track in a situation wherein he would be run over by a tractor?”

            “Reckon he couldn’t see it, that’s my best guess.”

            “That certainly sounds reasonable.  Now, we’ll finish this confirmation hearing with a few simple questions relative to racing.  Tell us, Mr. Hader, the names of the last three Triple Crown winners.”

            “Well, let’s see.  There’s Secretariat in 1973.  I remember that, had two hundred to win on him.  And then there was, hmmm.  And, uh…could I get a recess on that question?”

            The Assistant Chairman interrupted.

            “Mr. Hader, it has become quite apparent that your qualifications for the position of DUCSAUCofTR are totally unacceptable, and you aren’t even qualified to drive the tractor that ran over your seeing eye dog.  Do you have anything to say about that?”

            “My brother-in-law is president of the Gushing Wells Oil Company.”

            “Well, that certainly puts a different light on things, who didn’t you say so in the first place.  Would you like your offices in Manhattan, or would California be acceptable?”

            “California would be fine, assuming it would be near Santa Anita.”

            “I’m sure we can take care of that, we’ll have your newly appointed Administrative Assistant and Personal Flunky take care of all the details.  While he’s at it, could we arrange for a new dog for you?  On the expense account, of course.”

            “That would be very nice.”

            “No problem, Mr. Hader.  After all, it’s not every day that we get a man of your experience and knowledge to join our government.”

            “Yes, I heard about that Assistant Secretary you hired.”

            “Strictly a political appointment, I assure you, what harm can a novice do in the foreign relations department?  When it comes to critical positions, though, we can’t be too careful.  Which reminds me, Mr. Hader, exactly how many producing wells does your brother-in-law’s oil company own?”

            “Oh, about thirteen hundred.  Course they’re kinda spread out over six states.”

            “Mr. Chairman, I move that we unanimously confirm Mr. Hader as the new DUCSAUCofTR.”

            “Motion carried,” the Chairman said.