ON BECOMING A RACING WRITER

            How many times have you read a writer’s description of a race and then thought to yourself, ‘Heck, I could have written a better article than that bum!’

            While not everyone gets a chance to write such articles (space limitations, and the fact that the regular writers have somehow convinced the editor that the only reason Ernest Hemingway turned to bullfighting was when he saw the quality of their racing articles), there are certain guidelines that would easily allow you to compose your own epic description of a race.

            The secret, known until now to but a select few, is to have a ready file of key phrases for key situations.  How many times, for example, have you read a newspaper handicapper’s comments and encountered such literary gems as ‘Have this one to catch’, ‘Best chance play of the race’ (which loosely means ‘I can’t figure this one out either’), or the extremely perceptive ‘Probably needs the outing’?

            This same logic applies to an article, and I am about to divulge to you various key phrases, covering practically all situations, which you can readily use to write your very own description of a race.

            In the following example, simply insert the horses’ name in place of the one I have used, select one of the three key phrases shown, and you’ll be on your way to (choose one): earning big money/wasting your time/begging in the streets.

            The first running of the Dutch Treat Stakes was, undoubtedly, the most (exciting/boring/dishonest) renewal in its short history.

            The winner, Shazam, a 3-year-old colt by (Bold Ruler/a gelding/Lassie) is, according to most horsemen, (one of the best/one of the worst/one of the most ridiculous looking) young thoroughbreds around.

            His performance was not unexpected since, while still in the paddock, he (pranced around/went to sleep/oinked) in front of (a record crowd/a few folks/a fan who showed up), while (Bill Shoemaker/Nowin Wallace/name withheld), a (top-rated jockey/inexperienced apprentice/former Minnesota Viking) approached his mount (confidently/nervously/scared to death).  When asked what he thought of Shazam the jockey (exuded confidence/asked to be excused/threw up), and proceeded to (get on the horse/make out his will/slash his wrists).

            Handled by a trainer who was (smiling/praying a lot/on welfare), Shazam went to the post (wearing blinkers/blindfolded/on crutches) and, when the bell rang and the gate opened, he (came out on top/looked slightly stunned/closed the gate).

            Encountering an early challenge from (his closest rival/his jockey/a frustrated flamingo), he was soon (moving strongly/taking a breather/nibbling the infield grass).

            As the field turned for home the jockey (went to the whip/asked for directions/was waving a white flag) and the issue was no longer in doubt as Shazam (opened up a 10 length lead/called a cab/was putting up ‘Do Not Enter’ signs).

            The win (boosted his career earnings/didn’t affect his career earnings/lowered his career earnings), which now stand at ($743,298/about $50,000/$1.98 and a Kelso bubblegum card).

            The (coveted/rather small/rusted) trophy, symbolizing (victory/a surplus of trophies/there wasn’t any purse), was (presented by the general manager/dropped by the general manager/stolen by the general manager).

            In high spirits, Shazam (kicked up his heels/kicked the trophy/kicked the general manager) and was then led back to the (stable area/hospital/glue factory), having come out of the race (in fine form/limping slightly/with four broken legs).

            Further investigation revealed he was merely (tired/in shock/in foal).

            Future plans for Shazam were uncertain, since the owner wanted to consult with (the trainer/his ouija board/his psychiatrist), while the trainer (was reluctant to talk/had never learned how to talk/was leaving the country).  However, it was generally felt they would probably (go for the big one/look for a race with no entries/shoot the horse).

            Whatever the future plans are, there is little doubt that Shazam will soon be (acknowledged as the greatest/acknowledged as a horse/acknowledged on the label of an Alpo can).