Little Known Awards

            Now that all the major racing awards for the year have been decided, it only seems fitting that we consider presenting some minor awards that, ordinarily, would not be considered by the racing fraternity.

            Whereas all the ‘bests’ of the year have been properly designated and applauded, what about those people who, in their own small way, tried to be the best in some of the less recognized aspects of Thoroughbred racing?

            Certainly any number of categories for these minor awards are possible, such as Most Efficient Restroom Janitor, Best Mustard Jar Refiller, and Most Sober Backstretch Employee, but it would obviously be an awesome task for any awards group to cover all the deserving categories at all the tracks in the country.  And an adequate description of all these feats would undoubtedly fill a book.

            Consequently, in the limited space this column provides, I tried to distill all the possibilities down to a few awards that I felt were particularly deserving--the exceptional performances that I decided the readers would be most interested in learning about.

            Although I was reluctantly forced to omit a few categories that I personally admired—such as Best Pari-Mutuel Tote Stooper of the Year, Mr. John Bentback, who gathered up nearly $15,000 in discarded totes before being thrown out of Plutocratic Park by two armed security guards; or Most Courageous Racing Writer of the Year, Eddie Hemingway, presently on welfare, who decked his newspaper editor after learning that the pre-big race copy he had spent six hours writing was pulled at the last minute in favor of an ad for a cordless razor blade sharpener—I nonetheless hope that the few examples offered herein will cause the readers to at least reflect for a few moments on the courage and resourcefulness that goes on at the racetrack every day of the year.

            Most Ingenious Excuse By A Jockey After A Losing Ride.  Jockey Pedro Pullup captured this award with his explanation to a trainer as to why his 1-to-5 horse finished last in a field of twelve.  Pedro, who has been in so many boat races that he wears a wet suit under his silks, pointed out that horse broke badly, was somewhat winded trying to catch up, then had to take back behind a wall of horses and two seagulls, went to the outside rail to avoid a hot dog wrapper on the track, may have injured himself slightly when he came back inside and ran head-on into the sixteenth pole at 40 miles an hour, had nothing left for the stretch and, besides, “he may have been a bit rank.”

            When the trainer observed that the horses’ bad break might have been due to the fact that the jockey was standing up on him at the time, and that the horse might possibly have been winded due to the fact that when said jockey settled down on the horse he appeared to be covering the horses’ nostrils with his hands for the first half-mile, Pedro replied that he was merely trying to lay a little off the pace so the horse could get a feel of the track.

            When it was further pointed out that the ‘wall of horses’, not to mention the alleged hot dog wrapper, were about 15 lengths in front at the time the horse was taken to the outside fence, Pedro pointed out that he had heard that the horse didn’t like to run too close to other horses, thus the decision to “take him outside early.”

            “At a 90 degree angle?” the trainer asked.

            “It seemed like the quickest way,” Pedro responded.

            And when the trainer noted that the horse made another 90 degree turn to go back inside before crashing into the sixteenth pole with the jockey whipping him at the time, Pedro commented that, after the initial turn, he figured “that was the way the horse must like to run, so I whipped him just to keep his mind on his business.  Maybe he didn’t see the post?”

            Pedro, who was leading rider last year at Bullring Fields while setting a record of not having a winner at less than 15-to-1, was presented with a year’s supply of long-life batteries by the awards committee.

            Most Ingenious Excuse By A Trainer To A Racing Board of Inquiry.  By unanimous vote this category goes to trainer Frank Hypo, who was called before the stewards at Butazolidin Park earlier in the year to explain why one of his horses, an eight-year-old maiden, suddenly won a Trifecta race by ten lengths at 90-to-1.

            Mr. Hypo, nattily attired in a $300 suit and Gucci shoes, agreed that on the surface it might appear a bit unusual, but further explained that his horse was slower to round to form than most and, besides, he certainly had no control over the odds set by the betting public, adding that everyone he’d observed while standing in the $100 Win line seemed to be betting on the morning line favorite.

            When it was pointed out that, following the race the horse had tested positive for three prohibited drugs, Mr. Hypo allowed that he might have experimented with one or two of them a few months prior to the start of the meeting, but any current positive tests could only be the result of one of three things: tampering by unknown parties; the test results on another horse; or the possibility that his horse might be a couple of months slower than others in washing medication out of his system.

            It was at this point that one of the stewards presented three syringes, which an alert guard had noticed sticking out of the horse’s body on the morning of the race in question only minutes after Mr. Hypo had left the horse’s stall.

            When asked to explain this, Mr. Hypo commented that they weren’t really syringes at all.  Hypo said they were actually acupuncture needles to relieve a migraine headache the horse had been complaining about, adding that such treatment had done wonders for his wife.

            Although the board subsequently voted to ban Mr. Hypo from the track for life, he vowed to appeal their decision as soon as he returns from a year-long vacation in Tahiti.

            Most Elaborate Promotion By A Track To Attract Fans.  The recently renamed Extravaganza Downs was far and away the leader in staging promotions in an effort to increase attendance at the track.

            After trying a number of different gimmicks, including rock bands, parachute jumps, elephant races, and free bottles of Geritol for senior citizens on alternate Tuesdays—none of which met with much success—the track hired a new Promotions Director, Mr. T. P. Barnum.

            Mr. Barnum’s first task was to tear out the infield picnic grounds and golf course, set up 16 additional popcorn stands, and book a three-ring circus for two weeks.  While this met with modest success, most of the increased attendance was in the form of children too young to wager on the races, which was when Mr. Barnum decided to take a more contemporary approach to attract an adult audience.

            After first arranging for all state executions to be held in the track infield and hiring a hundred Playboy bunnies to work the concession stands, he brought in several hundred people to perform an infield show he called ‘The Roman Renaissance’, a three-act show that consisted of chariot races, a Christians vs. Lions confrontation using kidnapped OTB employees as the Christians, and finally a genuine hour-long orgy.  Taking out newspaper ads inviting the public to participate in the orgy portion of the production, and billing Extravaganza as the only X-rated track in the world, attendance tripled overnight.

            In fact the promotion was such a success it was quickly decided that the horse racing was unnecessary, as well as being an economic liability, and it was promptly cancelled.

            Plans are already underway to enlarge the stands so they completely circle the infield, offering an estimated capacity of 80,000 people.

            While no one could deny the success of Mr. Barnum’s efforts, he was asked if he didn’t feel bad about eliminating racing in favor of orgies.

            “Not really,” he replied.  “After all, it’s what the public wants.  And who am I to stand in the way of progress?”

            Most Patient Fan of the Year.  Although this was far and away the most difficult category to select a winner in, the award finally went to Mrs. Mildred Hofsberger, a daily patron at Indigestion Park.

            Mrs. Hofsberger, a widow, notes that the $200 a day interest she earns on a million dollar inheritance pretty much covers the cost of parking, admission, seats, lunch, a few beers, “with maybe a few dollars left over to make a couple of show bets.”

            During the course of the recently concluded 200-day meeting at Indigestion Park Mrs. Hofsberger, an inveterate record-keeper, noted that on 36 occasions overly enthusiastic fans had spilled a variety of beverages on her, ranging from beer to hot coffee, along with 13 instances of the person in the seat behind her konking her in the head with a pair of binoculars during a stretch drive, resulting in a total of 45 stitches.

            Additionally, she pointed out that people had stepped on her feet a total of 96 times, causing 13 broken metatarsal bones, plus she had received four cracked ribs from people elbowing her at the sellers’ windows as the horses were entering the gate.

            Citing only the usual number of times she had been insulted by surly pari-mutuel clerks and disdainful concessionaires, she was nonetheless quick to point out a couple of positives.  “The clerks only tried to short-change me five times during the entire meeting,” she said, “and my purse was only stolen twice.  Best meeting I ever had.”

            Mrs. Hofsberger’s award, a portable stomach pump with a track menu inscribed on one side, was presented to her at Scott Memorial Hospital, where she spends the off-season.