Dress Codes

            Track dress codes have always amused me.  Tracks print up a detailed list of “acceptable” and “unacceptable” attire for what they consider their most prestigious areas, throw in such buzzwords as “appropriate” and “inappropriate”, and then qualify it all by saying that management reserves the right to refuse admittance to anyone considered to be unsuitably attired.

            Now that certainly covers the bases, makes you wonder why they printed the other rules to begin with.

            I grant that you don’t want a bunch of slobs in T-shirts and cutoffs running around your Turf Club, but if tracks really want to improve their image then they should expand their guidelines to other areas of the track.

            To help them in this endeavor I have provided the following guidelines in my ongoing efforts to help the sport.  Tracks wishing to improve their image may feel free to adopt these.  If some of the rules appear a bit too rigid, I suggest management tag them with something less subject to argument, such as “we reserve the right to change the rules as we see fit whenever we feel like it”.

Owners:

It is vital to the image of racing that you present a proper decorum in the saddling paddock.  After all, hundreds of people will be watching, and we certainly don’t want some of them to think you might be on welfare.

Accordingly, we require that owners wear tuxedos, this will offer us the image presented by the Eclipse Awards when everyone has to dress up like a penguin.  For the ladies, full length evening gowns are preferred.

Black shoes are preferred, if the paddock turns up muddy we’ll have a bootblack standing by for a nominal fee.  If you don’t have the twenty bucks on your person, however, we can always charge it to your track account.

Owners who have only one horse on the grounds that has won less than $800 are asked to refrain from pasting their free parking stickers on their foreheads.

Trainers:

            While we recognize that you probably got up at 3 AM to come to the track and take care of your horses and are either floating in a sea of the cafeteria coffee or closed the local bar at 2 AM, management expects you, like the owners, to present a proper image.

            Cowboy shirts are permitted, although we may require a certificate to substantiate that they are tailored.  Only Calvin Klein jeans will be allowed in the winners circle.  We recognize that boots are both traditional and functional, this is perfectly acceptable as long as they are spit shined before you enter the paddock.  If it’s a muddy day, of course, we will make allowances, offering you preferential waiting time in front of the owners with twenty bucks.  Cowboy hats are reluctantly allowed as long as they are clean, blocked, and you take them off in the winners circle.

Parking Lot Employees:

            You are our front line, the first impression people get when they come to the track.  Accordingly you must present a proper image.  Management suggests neatly creased slacks and Yves St. Laurents shirts, button downs optional.  Our image has suffered somewhat in the past in this area since some patrons have objected to T-shirts with slogans such as ‘Let’s Do It In The Lot’, ‘Let Me Fire Up Your Engine’, and ‘Can I Get Into Your Trunk?’

            Plus we have had several complaints about the one fingered gesture some of our personnel have offered to patrons, they felt they were being insulted.  Of course, management understands you were only trying to tell them to bet the “1” horse, but it does have an impact on our image.

            So if you must drive a patron’s car through the lot at forty miles an hour when the emergency brake is still on, please be sure you are properly attired.

Press Box Personnel

            Since the public, fortunately, rarely sees you anyway, we tend to be lenient on this particular dress code.  Management recognizes that some of you show up on occasion in a semi-nude state, but we appreciate that this is probably due to your somewhat depressed wages, or else your inability to stay away from the betting machine.  A few naked bodies in such an isolated area will not damage our reputation and, in fact, we’re heard semi-favorable comments from some of the female reporters about it.

            However, it is also possible that you might leave the press box temporarily and be, if you’ll pardon the expression, exposed to the public.  Because of this management insists that you wear a tie.  No other clothing is required, but like Trader Vic’s we have an image to maintain, so we must insist that you wear a tie at all times when leaving the press box.  If you feel, of course, that your nudity might have a negative impact on people you might encounter, feel free to wear a loincloth.

Mutuel Clerks

            As the people that much of the public sees the most you must maintain proper dress and cordial attitudes at all times.  Tuxedos are optional, but a tie and coat is required.  Should a particularly belligerent customer offer a complaint, your union contract provides that we clean your clothing in the event of the following:

The customer spits on you.

They throw up on you.

They simply shoot you.

            We cannot be responsible if you have issued the wrong ticket, or if your shoes don’t match the color of your slacks.

            There are a number of other rules for mutuel clerks, all briefly outlined in the 164 page union manual, but please note that we do not provide psychiatric care.

Concessionaires

            It is especially important that the public be presented with a positive impression from our service people, not to mention a consistent one.  Accordingly you will be required at all times to wear those funny looking jackets, white shirt with tie, and black slacks which must be neatly pressed.  Waitresses will similarly be required to wear those funny looking jackets, but can wear skirts, as long as they extend below the kneecaps.  Waiters with said skirts are subject to suspension.

            Beer vendors are expected to fill beer glasses, stronger drinks must contain at least half an ounce of booze, and the hot dog people must point out the location of the mustard jar.  If a jar is not available or, as is usually the case, simply empty, you must give the patron a mustard packet, it is our policy not to charge more than one dollar for this. 

            Should a patron inadvertently spill mustard on their person you must recognize that this is not acceptable dress on their part and call security immediately.

Jockey Agents

            We have a great deal of respect for the work that agents do, and we similarly expect them to adhere to certain dress code rules.  Unbuttoned shirts are acceptable in the backstretch if the temperature exceeds eighty degrees.  Below that turtleneck sweaters are required.

            Agents are requested to refrain from visiting the backstretch coffee shop as the obvious mingling with trainers might suggest a conspiracy.  If you must talk to trainers, we suggest you do it outside of the track premises to avoid any suggestions of collusion.  This rule may be waived if your jockey has won at least five stakes races at the current meet; you are related by blood to anyone in the stable, including the horse; or if the trainer simply threatens to beat the hell out of you if you don’t commit to his mount.

Jockeys

            You must first of all recognize our image and not be seen in public establishments stoned out of your gourd.  If you must play pool, do it in the jockeys recreation room or at home, we already have three lawsuits about a rider in a bar nailing a disgruntled patron with a cue stick.

            Secondly, you must always stop to give autographs after a winning ride.  Never mind that we’ll probably fine you $500 for showing up late for your next mount, you must establish a benevolent image with the public.

            Thirdly, we strongly discourage use of the whip in the stretch unless it is of a designer colored nature.  Please check with the stewards on that as all our television replays are in color.

            Finally, we are making audio tapes of the trainers riding instructions for all races.  Should you violate his instructions you will be subject to severe penalties.  Never mind that he might be a blithering idiot, or didn’t have to ride the horse when the hole closed, you must show them your respect and integrity.  If you follow the trainers instructions to the letter we have an excellent insurance policy when you come back and 15,000 irate fans stone you.

Grooms

            As the backbone of the racing industry, it is management’s intention to enhance your reputation with the racing public.  Therefore we must insist that you wear the proper attire if you insist on leading your horse to the saddling paddock.  We do require a tie, since you never know when you might require a backup shank.  Should that become necessary we will, of course, reconsider this requirement depending on the individual case.

            You are required to carry proof of citizenship at all times, this will be checked by the track identifier at the same time he looks at your horse’s lip tattoo.  Green cards are acceptable provided they are in protective plastic holders.  Your attire in general should be similar to your trainer, color matching is preferred because of its aesthetic aspects.  Thus, if your trainer wears magenta underwear, we suggest you do the same.

            Also, hair length will only be allowed to the levator scapulae muscles, except in cases of stakes winners in which case we will permit an extension to the cervical nerve area.

            Should a situation arise in which the horse defecates on you, maintaining proper attire is your responsibility.