Don't Just Test The Horses

            Baseball commissioner Peter Ueberroth stirred a few pots recently when he decreed that people connected with the sport be tested for drugs, including owners and office clerks.  Curiously, the only personnel who would be exempt from this mandatory ruling are the major league players themselves, who are protected by a clause in their contract.

            This antithesis to the rules in racing did not escape San Diego Padres owner Joan Kroc, who noted that :they test race horses.”

            Well, that’s certainly true, just ask Peter Fuller.

            But the point is that once again racing is trailing another sport when it comes to grabbing headlines.  Baseball is making the news by trying, albeit arbitrarily, to clean up its image.  Even the umpires agreed to abide by the program, although some people in the sport suggest eye tests would be more meaningful in their case.

            Still, with all our efforts in the medication area, the only time racing gets a headline is when some horse at a bush track comes into the winners circle with a syringe sticking out of its beck and the jockey is carrying a stick that is marked ‘Recharge Every Three Days’.

            Oddly, before Ueberroth’s mandate, the jockeys in Southern California agreed to voluntary testing, although that attempt to enhance our reputation somehow seemed to escape most of the nation’s sports editors.  But when some riders sued to reverse a New Jersey Racing Commission rule requiring random testing of the jockeys on the grounds that it was an invasion of privacy, and a U.S. District judge ruled in favor of the rule, now that got some space.

            Pondering this dilemma, I sought the advice of a friend of mine who has long aspired to the non-existent position of Czar of Horse Racing, asking him what he thought he might do under the circumstances to get racing a few favorable headlines of its own.

            “Actually,” he told me, “that ‘test everybody’ theory is one I came up with several years ago, between you and me I think Peter stole the idea from a treatise I wrote for a government pamphlet titled Mandatory Drug Testing Of Tsetse Flies And Its Effect On The Gila Monster Breeding Program.

            “But there’s no question that such an all-encompassing program would be beneficial to racing’s image.  As it is we test a few horses after the fact, maybe one in a thousand positives come up, and the entire sport is damned.”

            “So what would you suggest?”

            “Obviously the first priority is to test all the horses before the races, preferably 48 hours before putting them in isolation.  I call it my Percodan Plan.  Might make the receiving barns a bit crowded, but since the horses don’t have union contracts that puts us way ahead of baseball right out of the gate.  Then we can point an accusing finger the next time a center fielder staggers out of a dugout and assumes his defensive position in the right field bullpen.

            “But we should also adopt the idea Peter stole from me in testing everyone else involved in the sport.

            “The jockeys are the first obvious choice, too bad more of them won’t volunteer like the guys in California.  But I suppose I can understand that, I was visiting a jocks room at a small track not too long ago when this young rider comes in and asks where the Coke machine is.  We pointed it out to him and he wondered when they started putting the stuff in red and white cans.

            “And you’d certainly want to test the trainers.  A simple blood test would probably do in this area, despite a few malcontents who claim that their trainers don’t have any blood to test in the first place.

            “But, like baseball, you’ve got to cover all the bases.  The owners, certainly, you’d be surprised at the number of trainers who would like to know what their owners are smoking.

            “The grooms would be easy enough to check out, some of them would probably think it was for their citizenship examination.  Just be careful of the ones carrying a pool cue.

            “But it should extend to all levels of the track, not just the backside.  After all, our integrity with the public is involved, so you should start with the stewards.  This would be an easy program to experiment with, I would suggest you start that one at Hialeah.  The results would probably amaze you.  On the other hand, if you saw the Flamingo, maybe they wouldn’t.  Anyway, steward testing should be a priority.

            “Track management could certainly stand some testing, at least at a couple of the tracks I’ve been to.  The board, general manager, publicity people.  I’m thinking about hot air balloon testing in some of these areas.  And, of course, their support staff, the damage to racing’s image would be incalculable if the press found out that a paymaster was a part time space cadet.

            “How about the security guards?  Wouldn’t you feel better if you knew that some high school dropout wearing a gun was certified each morning as to being free of medication before confiscating your camera and bashing your head in?

            “Of course you would.

            “Now the pari-mutuel clerks might be a tough proposition, that’s a pretty strong union, but I imagine we could circumvent that some way.  You know, tell them a daily blood test is an insurance company requirement so everyone will know they’ll be healthy for picket duty, something like that.  Same goes for the janitors union.

            “The hot dog and hamburger vendors should also be tested, a lot of people contend that the last time any of them saw a piece of meat was when they had dinner at McDonald’s.  Same goes for the bartenders.  I would imagine that if any were observed pouring more than half an ounce of booze into a $5 drink the catering company would gladly pay for the tests.

            “The list, of course, is endless.  Those perverse people who stamp your hand with purple ink outside of the Turf Club, you can’t tell me they’re not on something.  The Form and program sellers, the ushers and admission ticket sellers.  And don’t forget those guys selling tip cards outside the track that say ‘This Is Not An Invitation To Wager’.  Considering some of their picks, I can certainly understand why.

            “And you certainly don’t want some hophead trying to park your car at forty miles an hour with the emergency brake still on.

            “So, as you can see, baseball has the right idea, even if it doesn’t include the players, which is where we have a promotional advantage.”

            “Well,” I observed, “you’ve certainly thought about this in detail.  Is there any way I can help you promote such a project?”

            “There certainly is, Ron.  It’s an area of racing that I’m very concerned about, a group that I suspect would be highly resistant to testing.  Yet their impact on the integrity of the sport is perhaps the most vital.”

            “So what can I do?”

            “Simple.  Here’s a paper cup, the bathroom is right over there.  Half a cup will do, and please don’t spill it on the carpet on the way back.”